FALLING

My EX and I have been seeing each other for the past couple of weeks now and I have realized that I still love him. I know I told myself that I wouldn’t get attached but the thought of not being with him while I am still in TX just sounds absurd. We have spent almost every night together since we reconnected. It feels so good to have my best friend back in my life. I realized that if I wasn’t leaving for an SF in a couple of weeks that I probably wouldn’t have pushed so hard to see him again. I also realized that after this internship if I get the opportunity to move back to Texas I would. I still wanted to be with him and I felt like he wanted the same. We spent New Years together and tried to remain hopeful that a job position would make itself available to me in Austin in the near future. I don’t want to leave but I know I need to enjoy this time in my life and embrace this opportunity to the fullest, even though it pains me to leave.

MOVING BACK

Two days after I saw my EX I got an email from the SF agency telling me I got the job! I was so ecstatic!! It had been over two months since I had first applied (and turned down the Dallas job). I had been praying to the universe that this would work out. In the wake of hearing the news about the job, tears started to form in my eyes. I had grown accustom to living at home and being surrounded by friends. Now I had to return to a city that has rejected me twice and had literally broken my heart, my confidence, and my self-worth. I was scared but I had to go. The universe was pulling me back to SF for a reason and I had to follow. I knew if I didn’t, I would regret it for the rest of my life. So I accepted the position.. and then I texted my EX and asked him if we could meet up again for a drink. I needed to tell someone that I was feeling torn about my decision to go back and I knew in the bottom of my heart he would convince me that this is what I needed in my life. This is why we broke up.. so I could chase after this dream.

MEETING WITH THE EX

I have been thinking a lot about my EX. The guy that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with before I moved to San Fran. I realized that I was going to continue to think about him until I heard from him. I have been struggling with the idea of reaching out to him because I don’t want to take a step backwards and I also don’t want to hear all of the terrible things he probably thinks of me. After much reflection and self-doubt I realized that I had to do this.. I had to text him in order to move on. When we broke up, we just stopped talking cold turkey. I missed him and I never truly got passed what we had. Much to my surprise he texted me back and asked to meet. I was so nervous but felt a warm tingle in my gut telling me I did the right thing. The next day we meet up for drinks at a local Austin bar. We took a couple of shots to ease our nerves and fell right back in sync of talking to one another like we had before. It felt like nothing had changed between us (except for the underlining fact that I tore us apart).  After a couple more drinks I felt ballsy enough to apologize for everything. He of course didn’t want to hear it, but I had to get it off my chest. I loved him more than anything in this world and I put him aside for a possible career. He needed to know that I regretted every moment of it. After I spilled out my heart he grabbed my hands and told me to stop talking. He said it was nice to see me and that he missed me too. Upon walking me to my car he invited me back to his house.  I started to refuse his offer when he pushed me up against my car and kissed me. It felt so good to feel his lips on me… to feel like he forgave me a little. I told him I would come back to his apartment but he had to promise me he wouldn’t kiss me again. Once we were in the comfort of his home we talked some more. When the sun started to rise I realized it was time to get a little bit of sleep before I drove back to my moms house. So I crashed on his couch. He kept his promise and didn’t kiss me again.. even though I wanted him to. I left the next morning feeling relieved, giddy and hopeful.

MEDITATING

This same friend has helped me out a lot over the last couple of months. She led me to meditation. I had read about the “powers” of meditating but never really thought it would work, let alone actually took the time to try it for myself. My astrologically sign is a Virgo and if you know anything about how the Virgo mind works, you would know that we are constantly over thinking and judging ourselves. So when it came to the thought of mediating I just kinda laughed at the idea and said, “I cant do that, I cant shut my mind off.” Well folks, now that I have forced myself to sit down and try it I can officially say that I love it. I feel like I find inner peace everytime I do it. I have been using an app called “10% happier” it guides you in the meditation process. Meditating is a lot simpler than it seems. All it is.. is focusing on your breath. Closing your eyes and breathing… in and out.. in and out… and once your mind wonders, acknowledge your mind has wondered and bring it back to your breath… and repeat. I am not an expert meditator by any means.. I really can’t meditate for very long but I have realized that every time I meditate I find balance. I become more aware of my surrounds and I tend to take a step back and really acknowledge my surroundings. Sidenote: I kinda feel like a badass sitting with my eyes closed, legs crossed looking super cute in my yoga pants while doing it. It’s the little things in life.

I AM A CUPCAKE

I was talking to one of my best friends the other day and I was bitching about my currently living situation.. and my current job situation.. I was really beating myself up and acting like a whinny teenager. She stopped me mid-bitch and reminded me that I worked my ass off to get to where I am today and that I should be proud of myself. Not everyone has their shit together and that’s ok. She sent me a meme that said “you are not a muffin, you are a cupcake.” After laughing hysterically, I looked at the meme and let it sink in. She was right! I am not a muffin at the bottom of the basket.. I am a glorious, delicious, tasty treat covered in sprinkles sitting on the highest shelf. I deserve the best in this world and I am not willing to go sit with the muffins when I know I am worth the frosting. I am the queen of my own castle and I am not afraid to put myself out there and work for the top shelf. I AM A CUPCAKE.

 --Cupcakes are muffins that believed in miracles--

WALK THE DOG

One of my favorite things to do is walk with my dog Ranger. There is a dirt road behind my moms house that is about a mile long. It's such a pretty road, not because of the houses or views, but because it's so open to nature. This is a true Texas back-road fully surrounded by trees and wildlife. Every time I take ranger for a walk I get an overwhelming sense of freedom. I leave feeling refreshed, full of life and hope. I know all things in life happen for a reason and I have a feeling the universe is about to surprise me. Destiny has a way of finding you.

LEND A HELPING HAND

I have been waiting to hear back from the SF agency for a couple of months now and it’s driving me nuts! They told me they would have answer by the end of the month so I am just waiting around for them to know if they have room for me. I have begun to get stir crazy living at home and I have realized my attitude has not been the best recently. My grandma just had hip surgery so I decided it would be a good idea for me to get out of the house for a while and go spend the week with my grandparents in Wisconsin. My grandma wasn’t in the best shape when I arrived. She could hardly walk across the living room floor without getting tired. I quickly realized this was going to be a lot more work than I thought. I would put on and off her socks, help her get dressed, give her a bath, make her breakfast lunch and dinner, and I would make sure she took her pills and exercised everyday. Not to toot my own horn.. but by the end of the week she was doing 100x better. She had grown more confident and strong while I was there. I am normally not a good caretaker, I tend to get annoyed very easily, but helping my grandma really taught me a lot of patience and kindness. I am really happy that I got to spend time with them and that I could lend a helping hand.

CLEANING OUT THE SKELETONS

After I moved back into my moms house I soon discovered how much crap from high school I still had hidden in my old closet. There was stuff shoved in old shoe boxes under piles of old books, there was stuff in the nooks and crannys of the dresser drawers which were also filled to the brim with more crap. Literally this closet looked like a messy shrine to my childhood. So I decided to clean house. After 4 days of going through old love letters, pictures, and random junk I could finally walk in my closet again! It was like a breath of fresh air. It was really nice reminiscing about high school; it brought me back to earth and made me realize that my life has been so full of adventure. Who knew cleaning could bring you so much joy. I quickly managed to move my new junk in so now my closet is useable and organized!