It has been a week now since returning from my trip to Palm Springs, and every day between then and now I have scolded myself for not finishing and posting this entry. For some reason, it has been difficult, and I suspect over-thinking has been the cause. But events over the past several days have provided material to make this entry even more relevant, and so the wait was worth it. I’ve learned that what I experienced on my vacation was not just the fleeting insight and intentions one sometimes develops when away from their daily routine, but rather I gained perspectives that will help me navigate the uncertain road ahead several aspects of my life now present.
After arriving in Palm Springs and first entering the gate of the small resort where I always stay (often in the same room) I met Edward, a San Franciscan, and Nicholas and Vince, Australians who, although from the same small city, didn’t know each other. I introduced myself and then rushed off to do the shopping and errand-running I always do immediately after checking in. Little did I know that I had just met three men to whom I would be joined at the hip during my entire stay—and from each of whom I would learn something to help be better face difficult issues back at home.
Although perhaps not so much in chronological years, Edward seemed far more mature than the rest of us and immediately assumed the role of, well…matriarch. Stories of his life as a theater director and the realization that we shared many friends and acquaintances from my almost forgotten early years in San Francisco reminded me of a city I had begun to miss long before I left it. His path in life demonstrated the difference between living a passion and pursuing a dream. His success had proven that a person possessing creative vision and business acumen indeed had a place in our world. Every day, he did what he was driven to do. He wasn’t simply in pursuit of goal that he would ultimately achieve or be forced to abandon. He had lived truthfully, in a way that made him part of the city’s fabric, with experiences only possible in San Francisco. Simply put, Ed was inspirational.
Nicholas had a physical presence that gripped your gaze at him first sight of him, and a hypnotic speaking style that left you happily reflecting on his last word while you awaited his next one. I can’t imagine anyone being immune to his charms. But, if he had any self-awareness of these arresting qualities, he certainly didn’t let on, nor did he rely on them at the expense of being captivating in other ways. Nicholas was quick-witted, and his understated delivery forced you to listen carefully, making the reward of his thoughtful humor all the more satisfying. More time spent with Nicholas resulted in initial intimidation being replaced by his calming, supportive, unassuming energy. During our last evening together, acknowledged with a farewell dinner in town, Nicholas shared that he, too, knew the heartbreak of relationships gone wrong and the disappointment of affections not returned in kind. Who would have thought someone like him would have ever experienced any of that? But his self-revelation was for me a realization—that those who reject you often do so because of their own inadequacies and not because of your own.
Vince personified the proverbial still waters that run deep. On the surface, he had a slightly awkward but endearing quality, and he participated in our bantering with incisive but quietly delivered wit. The mere mention of Matt Damon caused him to melt into a romantic puddle, rendering him emotionally and physically even more puppy-like. But as is often the case, those who are quiet and unassuming often possess depth and wisdom that surface only amid a specific set of conditions. One evening I had the opportunity to spend time alone with Vince. What began as friendly flirtation transformed into an hours-long exchange about the issues that face many gay men in their mid-forties, and those that affected us specifically. As I shared the thoughts and feelings that scared me, angered me, and broke my heart, Vince’s responses were perfect. He was so validating, so insightful, so able to listen without judgment or self-interest, and able to offer suggestions that were supportive yet realistic in the work they would require. Vince reminded me that the quietest among us are usually the ones worth listening to the most carefully.
En route home from Palm Springs, I thought about how many hours I had spent in the pool with Edward, Nicholas and Vince—lazing in the heat of the intense desert sun, the silence broken only by our near-whispered conversations. I thought about the work- and life-induced anxiety that had escalated to near fever pitch right up until my departure, and how it had waned into nothingness by the time I was ready to leave. I thought about how each of them had contributed to a pool of experience, knowledge and vision that I feel we all were able to relax into and benefit from. Most of all, though, I wondered if my newfound serenity was real, or if it was simply the temporary state-of-mind that develops in the context of a vacation and simply evaporates the minute one’s daily routine takes over again.
As I finish this entry a full week after returning from Palm Springs, I can report that what I experienced and gained there was not simply a desert mirage. Although my real life and job began immediate attacks on my centeredness, they were not especially successful. At work, I was presented a new and harsh set of realities that mere weeks ago would have damaged me considerably. Instead, I accepted them almost with relief as solid information to help me determine next steps.
Even better, I had the unexpected pleasure of spending nearly my entire weekend with Nicholas, who came to New York via Las Vegas as he continued his U.S. vacation. We covered vast areas of the city together, walking miles uptown and downtown, through parks and over long cross-town blocks. We hurried through crowds and sat motionless perched on rocks watching roller skaters in Central Park. And, without a single swimming pool in sight, we continued conversations we had begun in Palm Springs and began new ones as part of our ongoing friendship.
The sun, the pool, and escape from real life may have brought four strangers together only temporarily. But the time I spent with Edward, Nicholas and Vince will have continued value to me, even as the memories of my Palm Springs vacation fade.
